Milk and Toast and Honey
by xAppleDownx
Summary: The aftermath of her life's biggest mistake. And the question is if he will be able to forgive her, or will the world's greatest lovers become strangers? Love has saved them before, but will it be enough this time? JJ and Rogan... R&R... Chapter 5 is up,
1. Prologue

**A/N:**

**In occasion of June 3rd I decided to make a prologue for my new story. This is, as many other fics lately, a post season 6 fic, meaning the beginning of season 7. I'll write on this story from now on and over summer, so I guess it will be around ten parts or so. This title comes from Roxette's "Milk and toast and honey", which is going to be the main lyrics in this story, but in this prologue it'll be from "A shoulder to cry on" by Tommy Page**

**Prologue**

* * *

_**Life is full of lots of up and downs  
But the distance feels further  
When its headed for the ground  
And theres nothing more painful  
Then to let your feelings take  
You down

* * *

**_

She could feel his smile along with his excitement of finally being close to her again, but she couldn't find the thrill herself. It was gone along with Luke. His arms tightened around her, like he was afraid of losing her. But she wanted to be lost. She wanted to run out of his arms and then glide down the hill until she would reach the rock bottom. And there she wanted to spend the rest of her life all alone.

But she knew he wouldn't let her glide. He wouldn't let go of her, not again. But she didn't need him in her life anymore. She did when she was young, but that was ages ago. All the feelings she once had for him was gone. Every time she'd showered, she'd washed some of them away and a few years ago they were all gone. But his feelings for her were still there, and they didn't want to go away. She felt his love for her just by lying there next to him, but her love was with someone else... it was with Luke.

The night before started to return to her mind. The Friday night dinner, where Christopher had been invited and then some stupid psychologist that did exactly what they did. She had twisted Lorelai's mind, so she would do something completely insane, and well she did. She ran straight to Luke and confronted him. But first she threw the whole eloping in his face.

She was reminded of all those crazy people that never went to bed, cause they were sitting in Las Vegas playing some crazy card games. Most of the time they just lost all of their money if they threw the wrong card at the table at the wrong time. And that was what she'd done. She'd thrown the "eloping card" on the table way to early which came up with the result that she lost everything. She lost Luke. He'd been her rock and now there was nothing. What she had left... nothing. She then remembered knocking on his door, not Luke's but Christopher's. Why? She kept asking herself, why?

Suddenly she realized that she was the one who got herself there. In that bed beside that man, the wrong man. She remembered the feeling she had in her gut when she knocked on the door. She knew that there was something coming up, but she was to tired and to upset, to listen. All she needed there was to be comforted. So she knocked on the door and entered his apartment and ended up on the couch, and there she cried bitterly. First he was just sitting there saying nothing, but after a while he went to the kitchen and came back with a bottle of tequila. Better known as the best drink to drowned all pain. And she drank the tequila voraciously. Suddenly the bottle was empty, but he just went to the kitchen and got another one. After hours of tears and tequila, they ran out of alcohol.

And that caused her breakdown. Now she no longer had anything to hide her pain, and that turned out to more tears and more pain. But he just listened to her babbling. Words that made no sense, together and apart. Together and apart, that reminded her of a wedding vow, and wedding vow reminded her of June 3rd, that then lead to Luke Danes and being engaged to him. While she was sitting there on the couch, Christopher suddenly did something surprising. He just leaned in and kissed her. First she tried to pull back, but then she gave in and kissed him back.

What damage could it cause? In her mind, nothing, cause all damage was already caused. But now in the morning she realized how empty she felt and how wrong what she'd done was. The big whole in her gut, stomach and heart suddenly felt empty. The day before she'd filled it with tequila, but now it was just empty. It was the spot where everything that ever had surrounded Luke used to be. But now there was nothing, no Luke, no tequila! God life sucked when all you had was Christopher Hayden.

At least that's how she ended up there, in bed with Christopher. The part from kissing Christopher to getting into this bed; it was all gone. Not gone, just more like a shadow, a blur. All she knew was that she felt nothing when it happened. Not like she felt when it was Luke. God, she wished he was the one lying beside her now. Just as so many times before. She remembered the first time. The feeling in her gut; all flying and jumping. But yet she still loved him, not Christopher but Luke. Luke was equal love, her love.

She remembered when she realized that she really did love him. It was when the word "yes" came out of his mouth. That was the time she realized that he would be the one she would be marrying, and if that didn't happen she would forever be a loner. And now… she was going to be a loner. When she thought back on the time they'd gotten engaged. It had been a great time. More than great, it had been wonderful, because Luke was wonderful. And together they made a perfect couple.

Lorelai looked out in the room, the bedroom, his bedroom, Christopher's bedroom. Soon she saw her own clothes on a chair. It was placed nice and neat. But how? and who? She let her eyes wander across the room until they fell on a towel, apparently Gigi's if she judged on the little the name written with stars and then a moon over the name. A moon, a full moon.

* * *

"_Full moon, moment's here! Let's go!" he yelled. Lorelai wiped away a tear and left Rory's room. As she walked out, she looked over her shoulder, like she wanted a last glimpse of the room. She sighed and then closed the door gently. It was like she closed a book she'd just finished. A very, very long chapter. Once again she felt the tears in her eyes, but she just blinked and they were gone. She couldn't allow herself to cry, and she wouldn't cry either. _

_She simply shook her head and walked out of the kitchen, though the hallway and out of the front door, where she found Luke on the swing, on the porch. He smiled, and she smiled back. But it was only her lips that formed the smile. Her eyes were sad and he saw it immediately. _

"_Are you okay?" he asked concerned. _

"_Yeah… I'm fine… You said something about a moment. Tell me!" she said just to turn his attention to something else. He sighed and then patted the seat on the swing beside him. She smiled weakly and went over to sit beside him. As she sits down he places an arm around her shoulders._

"_It's Rory, right? I mean you two were always close and now suddenly…" he paused. Unsure whether to go further with this subject or if it wasn't his area to step on. But she answered him before he got to continue._

"_Yeah… Luke?"_

"_Huh?"_

"_Can we… will… I really don't want to talk about it right now. It just doesn't seem like the "lawn" is ready to be stepped on yet."_

"_Okay" he nodded in agreement_

"_Thanks… So, moment?" He grinned and kissed her gently._

"_Yesterday." he began. _

"_What's that?" Lorelai pointed at his hand, the one that wasn't placed around her. His hand was closed._

"_Nothing." He said and then opened his mouth to continue._

"_You're lying! Open your hand!"_

"_Lorelai!" _

"_You're hiding something from me, evil being! Come on, show it to me. Or have you become a chicken, just because you had one bottle. ONE bottle of chick beer. Come on, Luke!" Luke sighed and then turned so he looked deeply into her eyes. _

"_Lorelai, you know you're kind of ruining this, right?"_

"_Ruining what" she asked, smiling. _

"_This" he said and then removed his arm that used to be around her shoulders, so his hand would cover her eyes._

"_Hey, who turned off the lights?" Luke just ignored her comment and took her left hand in his and let out a sigh. _

"_Lights, please! Dear God, please let me see what's going on around me, cause I have a very bad feeling." Lorelai tried to remove Luke's hand on her eyes with her right hand, but nothing happened. He apparently didn't want her to see anything. Meanwhile Luke was doing the best he could to get the ring he had in his hand on her finger, but it wasn't an easy assignment he had given himself. At some point he was pretty close to let go of her eyes, but in the end he made it with one hand. After he made sure it was perfectly placed on her finger, he removed his hand. _

"_Ligh…" she started, but then stopped herself when she saw the ring on her finger. It was wonderful, no beautiful… It was perfect, just like Luke. The man who had gotten it. _

"_Luke…" she mumbled. _

"_It's… it's beautiful!" she then exclaimed._

"_So, you like it?"_

"_Like it? I love it! It's beautiful!" she felt it right away. He had been holding something back, a weird feeling and now she got what it was. Now he was just relieved. _

"_Good. That's good. I'm glad." he said silently. _

"_You know what?"_

"_No, I don't."_

"_I've tried this before, I mean sitting here and then having some guy give me a ring."_

"_So it's a random thing for you. Getting engagement rings?"_

"_No! Max just gave me one here too."_

"_Oh, Max. Right. I should've known at least assumed."_

"_Luke listen. The ring Max got for me was way to big, I almost lost it. But this one fits…" she paused and then started shaking her left hand. And the ring stayed on._

"_See, it fits perfectly. It means something, it's a sign Luke. It fits, which in some weird way means that we, you and me, fit together. Okay?"_

"_Okay." He said, but he could see she didn't really believe him. To confirm that he truly meant it he leaned in and kissed her. When they pulled apart after a while they both smiled. They both knew it, this time it was right. This time they had found the right person to have the right time with…

* * *

_

The ring! Lorelai let her finger find the ring. Yep, it was definitely still there. And then it hit here. She was still engaged to Luke! And that led to the fact that she had actually cheated on him… with Christopher!

Luke's worst nightmare was no longer a nightmare, it was reality. All over suddenly she was seized with panic. What on earth was she doing in this man's bed? She didn't even consider that he might wake up when she pushed his arm away from her waist and jumped out of bed. The sheets were tight wrapped around her. Quickly she grabbed her clothes from the chair and then she ran to the bathroom. She slammed the door after her.

* * *

The woman in the mirror… it couldn't be her. But it was. She looked at her skin. She was paler than ever and her eyes were sunken. Talking about her eyes; they weren't as blue as they used to be. They had simply lost their sparkle, and she was sure than if she happened to run into Michel's mother that day she wouldn't ask if they were real. They would just be eyes like everybody else had. Sadly. Her hair also looked dead. Just like her eyes. It was just hanging there. No soft, wavy curls that would move gently in the wind. It didn't look black anymore, more like some shade of grey. Oh no she was getting older! She let a hand run through her hair and she felt it; the dirt and the shame. '_Funny what kind of things you can find in your hair'_, she thought. Her hair had also grown lately, it was around the same length as it was two years ago at the test run. 

The test run… She had to smile at that memory. It had been a great day, one of the best in her life.

Lorelai was awakened by the sound of somebody knocking at the bathroom.

"Lor? Are you in there?"

"What do you think Christopher? There's nobody else in the house."

"I know, I was just wondering. You've been in there for ten minutes now, and I don't hear the water running so I assume that you're not taking a shower."

"You're right. I am not taking a shower in your house. You must be insane."

"Hey, what happened to you? Are you alright?" No answer. He was standing there, waiting for an answer, when the door suddenly was ripped open.

"No, I'm not okay!" she shouted and she stormed past him towards the front door.

"Where are you going?"

"Where am I going? Hmm, I wonder… Let's see. Driving, and then driving and more driving until I reach the gazebo, then I turn left and then right and then I stop the car…"

"What gazebo?"

"How many gazebos do I know… ONE! And that's funny enough placed in the middle of Stars Hollow, the town where I happen to live. Isn't life just funny?"

"I know you live in Stars Hollow."

"Then why the hell am I here early on a Saturday morning? Can you explain that to me, Chris?"

"You spent the night here."

"Spent the night? Like a slumber party?" she said sarcastically.

"No, not like a slumber party… We…"

"I'm not a complete idiot, Chris! I know what happened."

"Then why the hell are you dressed if it's that early. Let me make you some breakfast. Actually I know how to make chocolate chip pancakes…"

"NO! You can't make me breakfast. There's only one man in the world that knows how to make real chocolate chip pancakes, and that's Luke. God, Chris when will you get it?"

"Get what?"

"That you and I, we're done. Actually we never started anything and by the way I'm still engaged, so sorry; I'm taken."

"By whom? Luke?"

"Chris… You and I, different things. Simply never meant to be."

"Never meant to be huh? Who's meant to be then; you and Luke, me and Sherry? Rory and that Logan kid?"

"Chris, listen. I don't want to make a big deal out of this."

"Not make a big deal out of it? You always do Lor. First you sleep with me and then you regret it."

"Yeah, the vicious circle! I know it very well, 'cause I've actually been there. But I tell you, I'm out. I'm done!" Lorelai tried to get to the door, but she wasn't quick enough. There he was, blocking the door.

"Move!" she shouted at him, but it didn't seem like he was going to move right away. He obviously wanted her to stay forever, but she just wanted to get away. She tried to push him away. But instead he grabbed her arm and then forced her face up with the other hand so she would look him in the eyes.

"Let go of me Christopher!" she cried, but he ignored her.

"Where will you go, Lor? To Luke and cry on his shoulder?"

"Chris, please don't" she begged him through tears, but instead of letting go of her arm, he tightened his grip.

"He crushed you, Lor. He crushed you!" he shouted in anger and frustration.

"Let go, let go" she cried again.

"He broke your heart for God's sake" Lorelai tried to turn away from him. She tried to hide her face, but his hand forced her back. She tried to close her eyes, but the look in his kept hers open. He was right, Luke had broken her heart, but she wasn't crying over him now. She was crying over the person Christopher had become. He held her head tight and then he kissed her. She tried to pull her head back, she did her best, but there was nothing she could do. She just bit her lips and sucked them in. And then he pulled back

She tried to be brave. She did her best to stand tall and smile to the world around her, but she couldn't. She couldn't be strong any longer. She was devastated and she just needed to get away from there. But then she dove deep into the bottom of her heart she found him; a piece of Luke. And that gave her some strength back.

"You broke my heart too, Christopher! Several times! And you even managed to break Rory's too!"

"Rory's? So now I'm a bad father! I get it."

"No you don't! You've never been a father for her Christopher. You were never there for her when she needed you. Never!"

"But I was there for you. You were the one who came here yesterday."

"I know I did. And I regret it bitterly. I regret everything that has happened within the last 24 hours."

"You came here because you needed me to be there for you like I always have" he said again.

"Yes, I came here last night because I needed a friend. Someone to comfort me, someone to listen to my heartache. But instead you got me drunk and used me. And that proved what you aren't. A friend, my friend. And you showed me that you haven't been there at all. Only one person has always been there to comfort me when I really needed it, and that someone is Luke!"

"Luke, Luke and more to Luke. If you really thinks he's the one then why are you here and not with him?"

"Once again it was a mistake. Please let go of me, I need to go to the man…"

"the man that broke your heart"

"I was gonna say; the man I love, cause that's what I do. I love Luke. I really do." And then he did it. He let go of her. Loosened the grip and she was free. But he was still standing in front of her. She looked at him and then realized something. The man in front of her was no longer needed in her life.

"The door is closed Christopher. The door is closed. What ever happens with Rory… that's up to her."

* * *

He was just standing there, paralyzed by her very last words. She had taken a big knife and just cut the bond between them. She could see on his facial expression how much it hurt him, but she just needed to do it. She had no choice. He didn't understand her choice. But she didn't have the time to explain or the strength either, so she pushed him aside and walked right past him without even looking back. Christopher Hayden was a finished chapter in her life, and now it had finally come to an end. She; Lorelai Gilmore was out of his life forever and always.

* * *

_**Its so hard to know  
The way you feel inside  
When theres many thoughts  
And feelings that you hide  
But you might feel better  
If you let me walk with you  
By your side

* * *

**_

**And end of prologue.. I really enjoyed writing it, so I hope you enjoyed reading it. To complete this story you would all help if you left a review. I'll be gone for the next week, so you have plenty of time, but please review and tell me if you think I should continue of just dump it…**

**Love, Asta**


	2. The road home

**Hi guys**

**Here's the second part of this fic. I know I named the fic after "milk and toast and honey" but once again I have to wait before I start using it. You will probably first see it in part 4 or 5.**

**And I wanna dedicate this chapter to Sarah! Thanks for being my beta reader :D**

**Chapter 2: The road home**

* * *

The road in front of her seemed longer than any road she'd ever driven on. When she and Rory had taken a road trip year back just after she broke up with Max, they had just driven and driven without thinking.

Now she was just driving again after another broken engagement. But this time it wasn't because she wouldn't try on her wedding dress every night, she had... months ago.

It wasn't because she didn't feel like getting married... she did. For the first time in her life she really wanted to get married.

She wanted to have everything planned and then be nervous until she had said "I do". She wanted to wake up five times in the middle of the night wondering if she was doing the right thing.

But then she would look at her wedding dress and smile. It was the right thing, she would know. And then she would get ready. Dress together with the bridesmaids.

She wanted to be happy, but now she had thrown it all away. She had screwed up so bad.

It was hard for her to believe that her life could get so messed up within 24 hours. The day before she had woken up at Sookies house. There she knew that things would go wrong, but she never meant for them to happen like that.

She didn't mean to go to a Friday night dinner where Christopher would show up. She didn't mean to go to the rest room and then just a few seconds later see Christopher storm in. She didn't mean to have a session with some weird lady called Linnie.

She didn't mean to assault Luke that evening, she never meant to burst out on him like she did.

But she had done it. She gave him an ultimatum. An ultimatum? Her of all people should know that he wasn't that kind of man that could make a decision right away. It had taken him eight years to kiss her. It was hard for her to believe that they had actually known each other for ten years now. It was ten years since she walked into the diner the first time. Ten years, a decade...

Inside of her questions just waited to be asked.

How could he keep his daughter away from her?

Why didn't he want to marry her?

Did he really love her?

But she knew she would find no answers to that on her own. She needed to ask him but she couldn't find the courage nor the strength inside herself. And she wasn't sure she ever would be able to.

_**

* * *

**_

Somewhere down the road

_**There'll be answers to the questions**_

_**Somewhere down the road**_

_**Though you cannot see it now**_

* * *

Not after what had happened between her and Christopher. She could still feel his hands on her skin, his soft touches. She could still feel his lips on hers and the digust of his breath against her neck. 

But there was nothing she could do to turn back time, no chance. No matter how much she wanted to run from the worst day in her life it would always be there in the back of her mind. It stuck in her mind and everytime she would think back to this very moment pictures would return to her head. She didn't need a picture to confirm that this had happened.

Why was life so damn screwed up? What had she done to get such a life? A life without any kind of love and every time she thought she had found it, she lost it. Just like sand running through your fingers. Her life was like an hourglass. The sand ran through way to quickly and she had no chance to catch up on the lost time. Why had she and Luke waited so long? They could have been married for years, but now it was never going to happen.

The word "never" resounded in her head. She found it hard to belive that she had just thrown the only chance she would ever get for a normal family life away. The only chance to get married and have another kid. The last time she had that chance was when she was 16, yet still a kid herself. Back there she had been so far away from being ready to get that life. She hadn't been able to be a good wife and she knew that. She refused to break her child's heart by getting divorced after just a few years of marrige.

But with Luke it had been different. She knew that there would be no broken hearts, no divorces. At least that was what she thought until it was her own heart that had been broken. The day she proposed and he said "yes", she really counted on him. She thought it was going to happen. When she sat there staring at him when he showed how much he cared about Rory, she knew that there would never come another guy that cared as much for the both of them. Not even Christopher.

Ever since she had brought Rory to the diner the first time he had cared for her. And then she just said it.

"_Luke, will you marry me"_

It had just felt so right at that moment. Saying it there, she knew it had been the right thing to do. At least she thought so there, but now she doubted it. What would have happened if she hadn't asked him to marry her? Would he have asked her? Would they have broken up when he found out about April?

She had no idea and she would probably never know.

"_Luke, will you marry me?"_

"_What?"_

"_Luke, will you..."_

"_Yes!"_

"_You don't have to answer so..."_

"_Yes!"_

"_We could take a minute to..."_

"_No!"_

She heard their voices in her head. The whole evening from her entering the diner, just after her parents went behind her back. She had felt betrayed by her one and only daughter. So she went to Luke and found the strong, supportive man she had always needed. He was solid and would always be there to help he bear her burden. Not like Frodo had carried the Ring as a burden alone. Sam had always been there to help him, be by his side, but Frodo kept fighting the fact that he might need some help. If it hadn't been for Sam the world of men would have been destroyed. And then there would have been no King Aragon.

Luke was like Sam, but Lorelai wasn't like Frodo. In the end she realized that she needed help and that she couldn't do this on her own. But now she was alone again. She only had Rory, but she had Logan...

_**

* * *

**_

Out in the dark

_**Alone and lost**_

_**I'll try not to destroy **_

_**Any more of what we had**_

_**Because we got it wrong

* * *

**_

Rory dialled the phone number of her mother's cell phone for the fourth time within an hour. She listened to the beeps and sighed heavily when she reached the voice mail instead of the real Lorelai.

"You've tried to call me, Lorelai Gilmore the owner of this phone. If you want to talk to me call me some other time when you've decided whenever you have a life or not, because people who call and wait until the voice mail, thay have no life... Just like my mother."

She sighed and pushed the red button. Another beep followed, allowing her to know that there was no longer connection to the other phone. She promised herself that if her mother didn't pick it up the tenth time she tried, she would drive straight to Stars Hollow and search high and low. Even if she had to barge into Taylor's house, she would do it. Right now she didn't exactly feel too well. Logan had just left for London. And he wasn't just going to stay there over the summer.

One year, they were going to be apart for a whole year. A part of her thought that they could just as well have broken up. Yes, she did love him, but she wasn't sure if she could stand to hear his voice saying that he'd accidentally run into some hot British girl. And that he was going to stay in London.

Once again she dialled her mother's phone. The beeps returned, and just as she was about to hang up again she heard somebody answer.

"Hello?" the voice on the other end did not in any way sound like her mother, but Rory couldn't think of anyone that sounded like that. The voice sounded tired and like the person had just cried. Deep inside Rory knew that this was going to be a tearful conversation.

"Mom?"

"Hey Hon... are you okay?"

"He's gone" Rory murmured. She could feel the tears coming and she closed her eyes to hold them back. She knew it was still early in the morning, but she had been up ever since Logan left. He'd called her and told her to go back to bed, get some rest. But she just couldn't sleep. The apartment seemed so big and empty without him. It was way to big for one person. She knew he used to live there by himself, but for her it seemed weird. She was sure she would never adjust to the feeling of being alone. Soon she would start talking to herself and when people asked what was going on with her, she would make some story up about an earthbound spirit. Then people would laugh and call her a freak.

Rory looked around. The apartment was pure luxury for a girl like her who didn't exactly swim in money. She looked at the big flat screen TV. She used to fancy it, she used to love watching some of the crazy movies her and her mom used to watch when she was younger. Many times when Logan had been on some "Life and death brigade" event, she had been sitting in front of the TV wishing her mother was there to watch "Casablanca" or "Gone with the wind" with her.

Her eyes then fell on the computer. She had gotten her first computer at her 16th birthday. It was a blue Macintosh laptop. And now there was standing a gigantic computer just waiting to be used. Maybe she could invite the intire Yale Daily News over and then they could write the intire newspaper there.

Her eyes then fell on the stereo. It could play her music so loud that everybody on the Yale campus could hear it. She didn't deserve to be able to play U2 so loud.

Rory then returned to the "conversation" she was having with her mother.

"Gone?"

"Logan, he left for London."

"Oh, I'm so sorry, honey."

"And he payed for the entire apartment for a year, a whole year! I can't live by my self for a whole year, mom. Not without him."

"Hon, I'm sure it'll be alright... for you at least, whereas my life is ruined."

"What? What happened?"

"It's a long story, so better get yourself prepared."

_**

* * *

**_

Days I'll remember all my life

_**Days when you can't see the wrong from right**_

_**You took my life**_

_**But then I knew that soon you'd leave me

* * *

**_

Rory listened carefully to her mother's story. She told about the way she had avoided Luke for the past few days and how she told her mother she and Luke weren't going to get married. Then she told about the sleep over at Sookie's. And when she got home, she had Miss Patty tell Luke that she wasn't there.

She explained the Friday night dinner in every little detail. She described the subjects they had discussed during dinner. Then she confessed that she had had a session with some lady called Carolyn or Lynnie. She explained how she had told the stranger about her love life and how she had never loved a man before Luke.

When she came to the part she confronted Luke, Rory could hear that she was crying. The sobs Lorelai let out was not to be mistaken. She told every word she attacked Luke with and then how she had left him on the street. She cried hard when she told her that he hadn't tried to stop her.

When she told Rory about the time she knocked on Christopher's door and then what happened after, Rory was in shock. The confession her mother had just made scared her. She had never thought that was going to happen again, not after Lorelai started darting Luke.

When she told her about the morning's event, Rory couldn't bear it anymore. She could feel the disappointment she felt for her mother, but still she couldn't get herself to blame her. Not after what she'd been through the last few months. Instead she decided to blame it all on her dad. She even decided to hate him. But she cared too much about her mother to be able to hate her.

As Lorelai ended the story Rory had made a decission. She knew she couldn't just sit back and watch her mother suffer, though Rory didn't feel too good right now.

"Mom, I need you to go back to Stars Hollow."

"Rory, that's probably the last place I want go right now" But Rory refused to give in.

"Go home. I'll call Sookie and have her come over."

"But... Luke..." Lorelai was now crying again.

"I know you feel you have to tell Luke everything, but you'll just end up screwing things up. He needs a little time"

"I've given him time! That's all I've been doing for the last four months. I don't want to wait for him anymore."

"Mom, listen. What you just said there is the reason you ended up with dad. You seriously need to digest this, okay? Remember the last time you didn't give him time. You ended up crying in your bed saying things like "he could have been the one". Don't let that happen again."

"Rory, sweety. It is going to happen again. Except that this time I'll be saying "He was the one" and I'll be crying in _our _bed, our! Me and Luke's"

"Mom, I beg you. Go home and get a little rest. Sookie will be there when you get home. And if you don't feel like your own bed, take mine."

_**

* * *

**_

All I know is I'm lost without you

_**How am I gonna live**_

_**How am I gonna be strong without you**_

_**I need you by my side

* * *

**_

And there it was. The little sign pointing in the direction of Stars Hollow. Lorelai hesitated for a moment before she turned left and followed the small road. Only within a few minutes she passed the sign saying "The Dragonfly inn". For a minute she considered if she should go to work and pretend that nothing was wrong, but she decided to do what Rory had told her. As she approached town, she felt a lump in her throat. She turned right and there it was.

The town square. The gazebo was looking like it had around a year ago when her and Luke toasted. Things had been good back there. Good, but not great since Rory had just made the decision to leave Yale.

Lorelai slowly drove through town. She passed Doose's market, Miss Patty's and at last she passed it. Luke's diner. She almost stopped the jeep. It was hard for her to believe how badly she really wanted to go in and explain her breakdown, but she couldn't even get out of the car.

There he was standing inside the diner, cleaning the counter as he always did. She looked at his face and knew right away that he was miserable. She had never really seen him like that, so to see the pain in his eyes was unbearable for her, especially when she knew she was the one who caused it. And then it happened. He lifted his head and looked right at her. They got eyecontact for a few seconds, and then she was gone. She looked up in the mirror and saw him standing in the street behind her. He had come after her after all!

Lorelai parked the car in front of the garage like she had done for years. For some reason it had never occurred to her to park inside the garage. As she turned of the car, she heard Sookie's voice.

"There you are!" She ran over to the car and almost pulled her out of the car. When she embraced her friend, the break down came. Tears left Lorelai's eyes as quickly as a waterfall. Sookie managed to pull her inside, just in case. You never knew if Babette was awake.

When she was lying on the couch with her head in Sookie's lab she started to relax a bit. She was still crying, but not so many tears left her eyes at the same time. After a while Sookie felt like it was time for Lorelai to fill her in. So there she was, telling the story she had already told her daughter. When she came to the drive home from Boston she could feel the lump in her throat again.

"He was hurting. And I caused it" she cried.

"Hon, you've been hurting too"

"But that was different."

"Was it?"

"I was hurting" Lorelai then admitted.

"But it was my fault too! I should have told him how I felt, I should"

* * *

_**It's a heartache**_

_**Nothing but a heart ache**_

_**Hits you when it's too late**_

_**Hits you when you're down

* * *

**_

Rory thought back of everything that had happened with her mother and Luke during the last two years. When her mother had said "I think I'm dating Luke!" Rory was certainly shocked, but behind the "What, when?" she had been thrilled. It was the match she had been waiting for. So much had happened ever since. When her mother and Luke broke up the first time, the whole town had been wearing some stupid ribbon. A part of Rory didn't understand why she hadn't made some ribbons that were a combo of the pink and blue. Then people could have supported them as a couple and not as two individual persons. But she hadn't, and they made up anyway. Then her dropping out of school had happened and that had caused her mother to go to Luke and propose.

Sometimes Rory blamed herself for her mother not being married. If she hadnn't dropped out of school they wouldn't have waited to get married. And when she finally found the real Rory again, Luke found out about April. What if she had come back a few weeks before. Then they could have gotten married and then deal with the April thing together.

Rory still wondered why she let Mitchum Huntzburger take her down back then. She used to have the reputation for being a strong girl, but she had just let him walk all over her. It hadn't been the real Rory there. The strong Rory had been the girl who started Chilton and didn't let Paris take her down. Suddenly she started wondering what had happened with the real Rory. When did she disappear? She simply couldn't remember.

She really missed that Rory, and then she decided that is was time to retrieve the old Rory. Take whatever time it would.

She quickly found some clothes in her closet and then went down to her car. She had a lot of work in front of her. She had a feeling that this was going to be a long day.

_**

* * *

**_

Goodbye my lover

_**Goodbye my friend**_

_**You have been the one**_

_**You have been the one for me

* * *

**_

Luke let the cloth run over the counter in the same pattern as it always did. It was early in the morning, and normally he would be tired after the few hours sleep. But this night he hadn't slept at all. He had just been sitting on the bridge of Stars Hollow. That bridge had a story for him. When he was a kid his dad used to take him and Liz down there and tell stories about their mother. Actually that had been the place William had proposed. When Luke was a kid he always wanted to pop the question there, and when he started dating Lorelai, he had a feeling that it was going to happen.

But then she had proposed. And in someway Kirk had been right about her stealing his moment. But he got used to it and was just happy with the fact that they were getting married.

Now he was just doubting it. When she had walked into the diner yesterday he had been so relieved to see she was okay, but then she opened her mouth and the word "elope" left her lips. The talk following wasn't exactly successfully.. And then she walked away, he let her walk away.

Luke wanted to throw a chair or something through the window. Maybe he should just wait until Taylor opened the Soda Shop, then he could use that as an exuse to throw a frying pan through the window. But he had a feeling that people would know why he did it. The rumour about his and Lorelai's fight was probably all over town by now. Why hadn't they talked in the apartment?

Luke's thoughts were disturbed by the sound of a car passing. He looked up and realized it was the familiar jeep, her jeep. And funny enough she was the one sitting behind the steering wheel. They got eye contact for a few seconds. He saw it; the guilt and the pain. The pain he caused. He thought he caused it all, but some of it came from somebody elses hands...

* * *

**A/N: And that will be all for now. Personally I think this part turned out pretty well, but I can't tell what you think, unless you review. Short or long all appreciated.**

**Lyrics:**

**Somewhere down the road, Faith Hill**

**We got it wrong, Rebecca Lavelle**

**Days, The Kinks**

**Lost without you, Delta Goodrem**

**It's a heart ahce, Bonnie Tyler**

**Goodbye my lover, James Blunt**

**Review please, the more reviews the better and the faster I'll update.**

**Go, go, hit the button**

**Asta**


	3. The lonely soul

**A/N: Here's the third chapter. I just have like a million ideas inside of my head right now, so I need to get them out.**

**Once again I'll skip the "Milk and Toast and Honey" lyrics, but it should be there soon, I think. Well, thanks for all your reviews, they really made my day.

* * *

**

The house was empty. She felt cold. And alone. And abandoned.

She looked at the front door. It had closed just a few seconds ago and now it was just standing there, staring at her, mocking her. She wanted to kick it or break the glass, but she knew she wasn't strong enough, especially not now.

Then she heard another door being closed and an engine being turned on. Then the wheels spun around and then… it was gone

Sookie was gone. She had left for the inn, her work. She had left for Jackson and the kids, her life. She had left because Lorelai told her too.

All of a sudden her life felt so empty, like she had nothing left. Her daughter was in college, Sookie had everything; a great job and the perfect family and Lorelai had… well, nothing according to herself. Luke was gone, nor they hadn't really broken up yet. But she knew they wouldn't be together just as soon as she opened her mouth.

Lorelai felt the dirtiness. She really needed to take a shower, get her hair cut and put on a great outfit, before she would tell Luke. But she couldn't get herself to do any of it.

So she was just standing there alone in her loneliness.

* * *

_**That we had something few  
**__**Will ever find their whole life through  
**__**I wouldn't change a single day  
**__**Although the price I have to pay is solitude

* * *

**_

The hallway was the same. The same as it had been all those years. When they moved in she had decorated the way she liked it and now it was still looking the same. At least almost. She remembered that she and Luke had actually renovated her house. No not hers, theirs. It was renovated so she didn't have to move. It was renovated so they could live there together when they got married.

Married! The word had no intension of leaving her mind. Married, that was what she was supposed to be soon. On June 3rd. Lorelai sighed. She could feel a lump in her throat and she knew it wasn't going to go away. She tried to close her eyes and just forget it all, but she knew it wasn't going to go away.

She walked into the kitchen to pour herself some coffee. She opened one of the cupboards where she used to store all of her dishes. She took an accidental cup out, but when she looked at it she realized it actually wasn't her cup.

It was the Seth cup. Her favourite from Luke's and after a while she had forced him to let her borrow it. That was almost a year ago now, just a few days after they had announced the engagement. And then it had just been sitting there. A slight smile came across her face. It was a great coffee cup after all.

But then she realized that she couldn't drink out of it. She couldn't even stand to look at anything. In panic she ran to the closet where she had been storing boyfriend boxes for a few years. She found an empty box and then placed Seth in it. She took the box with her into the living room. And then it hit her.

She had to get everything she owned stored away in boxes. She had to pack her life into boxes. At least that would allow her to go shopping…

* * *

"_I bought a house, Twickham house. I bought it for us. I don't have it anymore. I could probably get it back, but I just thought you should know. I bought it. For the kids, that we don't have to have. It's a big house, and we don't have to fill it up with kids, you know? We could, we could get furniture. Go shopping for a couch, or get some end tables…  
I hate shopping for furniture. For me, kids are easier." _

"_I love shopping." _

"_Go to sleep." _

" _Mmkay." _

"_Is this really happening?" _

"_Yes. It's really happening."

* * *

_

Shopping, kids, reality. She could feel the tears behind her eyes, and she knew they weren't going to go away just like that. She was trapped in her own past. The happy times of her life. Now all she had was herself and Rory of course.

Lorelai felt like she was stuck in time. The world was just passing, not allowing her to keep up. If she fell, she was completely lost. And that was what she was now. The world was years ahead of her time. And there was nothing she could do to make it slow down.

She just had a feeling that the rest of her life was going to be horrible, because she lost track. And maybe she was right, maybe she was. There was no way that she would be able to tell.. at least not before.

* * *

_**I watch the world pass while I waste away  
take it as it comes, but it's all gone  
I've got nowhere to go, I've got nothing to say

* * *

**_

Lorelai kept taking boxes out of the closet. How many boyfriends had she had? Suddenly something fell down from the top shelf. The shelf where she had an old hat box. The one she had saved topics she had to talk to Rory about. Now she was just wondering if she should start to write topics down, that Luke would be the only one to discuss it with.

Lorelai shook her head and then bent down to pick it up. It appeared to be some kind of book.

**Calendar 2004**

Why did she have such a thing? She used to throw them out, actually she wasn't used to having a calendar at all. But then she remembered. 2004 was the year the Dragonfly opened and she had so many things to do, that she had to, there was no chance she could remember them all. She slowly opened and one of the first things she noticed was

_Ask Tom about the doors!_

A small smile came across her face. She remembered that episode so clearly. The doors should have been there a few weeks before the opening…

THE OPENING!

Quickly she leafed through the calendar until she found the page she was looking for. May 18th. God, so much had happened that day. So many great things. Lorelai's leafed a few pages back and found another date. May 12th. It only had a few words written down, but it was memorable words.

_Luke, Liz' wedding. Noon._

She felt a tear roll down her chick, but she wiped it away quickly. As she went back to the page of the grand opening, she realized something… It was May 18th today… Her and Luke's two years anniversary…

* * *

_**Because since there's no more you  
There's no more anniversary  
I'm so fed up with my thoughts of you  
And your memory

* * *

**_

The morning air filled his lungs as he took a deep breath. He hadn't slept much that night… actually he wasn't sure if he had slept at all. Memories from the night before stuck in his head and he knew they had no intention to leave right away.

It still seemed like he was standing there in the middle of the street listening to his fiancée's words. Every time he thought of the things she had said they pulled him deeper down into his own speculations.

He thought they had been good. He thought they were doing okay. Deep inside he knew she was disappointed about the postponing, but he felt like he had no choice.

He needed to know April as his daughter and not just as somebody else's kid. And he thought is was best to keep them separate, apart, away from each other. But it turned out to be wrong.

His every action ever since April showed up in his life seemed to be wrong. Not telling Lorelai, and then keeping them apart. He should have a prize for being such a jerk.

But there was nothing he could do. No matter how much he wished for things to be different, he knew they wouldn't be. He wasn't even sure if he would be able to repair the damage he had caused.

He could still see her face in front of him.

* * *

"_Just wait!" He shouted at her_

"_No, I'm not waiting! It's now or never!" she shouted back with a voice he had never heard before. A part of him wanted to agree with her, because at some point she was right. But at the same time he had to defend himself and his pride. **'Men'** a voice in his head said. Men always had their stupid pride to consider. Why couldn't they just agree or let a woman make the decisions every once in a while?

* * *

_

She was right. He had handled things completely wrong. He had only thought about how to work things out with April. He had never considered that Lorelai might actually would have liked to be included in.

* * *

"_I have to think this through" he said to her._

"_No!" she just shouted back_

"_I have April!"_

"_You're gonna have to figure how April fits into our life, not the other way around!"

* * *

_

Once again he had been a jerk to her. Why didn't he just agree to elope with her? It wouldn't have been so bad, would it. They would have been married by now and everything could be the way it used to be. But once again he had managed to let things get messed up between them, because he didn't trust himself.

* * *

"_I don't like ultimatums!"_

"_I don't like Mondays, but unfortunately_,_they come around eventually."

* * *

_

Why did she always have to make a joke out of things? The answer to that was infuriating easy. Simply because she was Lorelai. That was her personality, the person who referred to everything in the world when she needed to just to make a sentence more interesting and funny.

And that was one of the things he really liked about her. Loved about her. Her sense of humour though he sometimes seemed to be bugged with it. But under the grumpy diner owner he was on the outside he laughed at it. No matter how angry he was, she could always make him laugh on the inside. At least until yesterday.

That night he had seen a different side of her. A side he didn't know existed. A side he didn't like. It had scared him. And apparently also herself.

--

"_I can't just jump like that!"_

"_Well, I'm sorry to hear that." she spit back and then paused. She had sniffed a few times, trying to hide the tears and then she said it._

"_And I have to go" the way she said it didn't fit. It was to light, almost… he couldn't find a word to describe it. _

_And then she just left him standing there. And worst of all he didn't follow her…_

_--_

Luke would have done anything to go back to that exact moment. Then he could have stopped her from walking out of his life again. But he had let her leave.

The feeling of having somebody walking on him right there was the perfect way of describing the way he felt. He took a few deep breaths before he got up.

He looked at the water beneath him. It was dark, but still reflected the morning light. He sighed and then started to walk away when he accidental placed his foot wrong…

and ended up in the water. Just like Jess had when he pushed him into the lake a few years ago.

* * *

_**It seems to me that  
There are more hearts  
Broken in the world  
That can't be mended

* * *

**_

The wheels turned around, and around and around. Rory tried to stop looking at the signs, but she had to know how many miles there were left. Though she was living in New Haven and Hartford wasn't far from there, the drive seemed even longer. The closer she got, the bigger the lump in her throat got. It was like it was growing as the miles decreased. She bit her lower lip and then turned left.

There it was big and dark. Rory would bet money that it had grown since the last time she looked at it. It was hard to believe that she had been there just the day before. Once again, like so many other times she pulled up in front of the dreadful house or mansion. As she looked at it she was reminded of the Beast's castle in "The Beauty and the Beast". It just needed the gargoyles.

Ten feet? Maybe more… Rory feared the people inside the house would have grown too. She was somehow reminded of some of the many yoga-shows Paris watched on TV when she needed to relax. Paris had even gotten so far that she had bought the "Windsor Pilates" video. Now Rory wouldn't bother to know just a bit of it.

Suddenly she understood what her mother felt all these years when she pulled the jeep up to her parents house, the place she had grown up in.

Rory bit her lower lip once again and then closed her eyes for a moment. She then took a few deep breaths before she got out of her car. Slowly she walked up to the house and knocked on the big door. It didn't take more than a few seconds before the door flew open and Rory faced a rather small maid. Rory was a lot taller than her and the maid didn't look very old either. Maybe only 18 or so.

'_So that's all there's left of maids in the world? Or did they just get scared by the Gilmores' reputation?' _Rory wondered as she handed her coat to the maid.

"Do you have an appointment?" the maid asked in a voice just above a whisper.

"Appointment? I'm sorry, I'm the granddaughter" Rory responded politely.

"Oh, the granddaughter. Rory, right? I'm Meredith, the maid."

"Yeah, I could tell… Well, I'm here to see my grandmother… Mrs. Gilmore."

"Actually she's in the middle of a meeting. You should probably wait."

"But, I need to see her now. It's very important."

"Your building looks nice" the maid said just to change the topic.

"What building?" Rory asked angrily. She was getting pretty furious with the maid now. She didn't exactly have time to small-talk. And it didn't make her less nervous by waiting.

"The science building Mr and Mrs Gilmore are donating to Yale University."

"Ah, that building. Well, thank you, but I really need to see Mrs. Gilmore. Now!"

The maid's eyes widened at the angry Rory. After all the talk she'd heard from the living room about the granddaughter, she should be the sweetest, but this girl seemed a little tensed. The maid wanted to show Rory to the patio, but Rory knew the house well enough. She marched right out in the middle of a DAR meeting, but didn't care at all.

All over sudden she wasn't nervous at all.

"Rory? How funny we were just talking about you!" one of the DAR ladies exclaimed. Just about six months ago Rory used to know every name, but now they were all gone.

"Oh Emily! You could have told us this!" Some lady with a typical British accent spoke. Rory looked at her grandmother, who was just as surprised to see as the other ladies.

"Rory, will you be joining us for tea?"

"I don't think so. I'm kind of in a hurry" she almost snapped back.

"Oh, those young people. Always so busy."

"Right!" Rory agreed and thought of the long day she had in front of her. She needed to get a few things done, actually a lot of things that surrounded her mother's action. She felt like an old wound had sprung open and now she was the one who had to repair the damage. And she knew if she didn't hurry things could go real wrong.

"Grandma, I'd like a word with you"

* * *

_**It's only words  
and words are all I have  
to take your heart away

* * *

**_

"I need you to pay for Yale" Her words were hanging in the air between them. Rory tried to read Emily's facial expression, but it was like looking at the Mona Lisa. Something undiscoverable, indescribable.

The Mona Lisa by Leonardo Da Vinci was a world-known painting. The look Mona Lisa had in her eyes had been a mystery ever since it was seen for the first time. The time Lorelai and Rory had been in Paris on their big Europe-tour Rory had convinced her mother to go see her at the Louvre. It had been something she would never forget.

"I thought your dad was paying?" Emily's voice broke the silence. Rory had absolutely no idea how she was going to explain the situation, but she just needed to let go of that. She needed to clear a path.

"Well, he is… He was…"

"What does that mean? Is Christopher okay? He seemed just fine yesterday"

"Grandma, I can't explain things to you right now, okay? I just need you to pay for Yale again and I promise to pay you back as soon as possible."

Emily Gilmore, the queen of Hartford if not the entire state called Connecticut, was standing there looking at her granddaughter in disbelief. It was hard for her to understand Rory's way of working out financial things. Not only financial things, but she maybe wasn't the best person at combining personal matters with a money situation.

But right now she could see that there was something wrong. Just like the time Rory had come to Friday night dinner just after they got home from their second honeymoon. It had not been Emily's proudest moment, time of her life as the matter of fact.

Back then she had an opinion on her daughter's relationship. Just like she always had. But now it was somehow different. She had seen the look in her daughter's eyes when she spoke of Luke. She had seen the love in her eyes. No matter how much she wanted her daughter to get married to a rich charming man she knew that Lorelai had now found happiness.

At least she thought so, and Emily knew she had to respect that.

"Rory? I didn't realize you were here" Richard came down the stairs and broke of his wife's thoughts.

"May I ask what brings you?"

"You may" Rory answered shortly. She really didn't have time to explain the whole story to her grandparents.

"What is it that brings you?"

"She needs us to pay for Yale" Emily answered before Rory had the chance to speak.

"I thought Christopher was paying for Yale"

"Not anymore" Rory spoke fast.

"And why is that? We need an explanation young lady" Emily was the one speaking now.

"Something happened between him and mom… and Luke. I'm not sure how much more I should tell you. I just really need your help. You will also help mom."

The Gilmores looked at each other for a while and then Richard nodded slightly.

"The old deal is back on. It's a loan and you will start paying us back five years after your graduation" he spoke firmly.

A little smile came across Rory's face and she then gave the elder Gilmores a light hug.

"Thanks" she said just before she left.. She had a lot more to do.

* * *

_**Holding hands of daughters and sons  
In their phase they're falling down  
Down, down, down

* * *

**_

**A/N: So that's it from now dear readers. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.. I promise there will be more posted soon. At least I hope there will.. Once again I want to say thanks to Sarah for being my beta. **

**And I hope you don't think I was too evil to Luke. I just thought he needed to be punished a little. Just for fun.**

**And as always… REVIEW! and you will make my day!**

**The more reviews, the faster I will update.**

**Shall we go for 10 this time? Come on folks!**

**Lyrics:  
Loneliness, Laura Pausini  
Nothing left, Link 80  
So sick, Ne-yo  
Alone again, Gilbert O'Sullivan  
Words, Boyzone  
Long road, Pearl Jam**

**Love, Asta**


	4. The nows and the nevers

**A/N:**

**Hi guys! First of all I want to thank all reviewers, you really made my day. **

**I want to thank Ann for her mile-long review!**

**And of course Sarah, my wonderful beta! Thanks!**

**This story was originally supposed to start on June 3rd, but if I had to put 4 chapters together in one prologue it would've been a little too much. June 3rd is getting closer, but Rory still has a lot of things to do… so why don't we get started?**

----------------

Luke walked through the town, over the town square and towards the diner. People looked at him and some of the kids laughed. Luke just got even madder and when he finally got to the diner he heard footsteps behind him.

"Luuuke?"

"What Taylor?" Luke almost shouted back.

"I see you've been swimming in the lake…"

"I did not swim!"

"Well, we got the community-center pool for swimming. You know very well that the amount of animals in the lake… let's just say it's nothing to be proud of and we can't have you killing them with all of your aftershave."

"Jeez Taylor! I did not swim in the lake!" Luke ignored Taylor's ranting and walked into the diner. Babette and Patty shouted something at him, but he just walked right up his apartment after shouting:

"Caesar, you're in charge!"

And then he was gone. Lane was standing there, watching. She had been in the diner yesterday when Lorelai walked in. She hadn't heard the entire conversation, but she had gotten a few words.

_Elope…_the word had overtaken her mind. Lorelai had asked Luke to elope and it seemed like he had said no. Lane had seen the fight through the window and when she saw Lorelai walk away she knew that something bad was coming up. She clearly remembered the last time Luke and Lorelai had broken up. Luke had been completely miserable and even grumpier than usually. Now she wasn't sure if the had broken up, but she had a pretty good feeling.

She herself had everything she needed right now. She had a great job in a band, her passion and she had her husband. Her and Zach had just gotten back from their honeymoon the day Lorelai came to Luke. And she really felt sorry for both of them.

She cared a lot for Lorelai because she was her best friends' mother and had taken hers whenever Lane ran away from home when she was younger. She fed her when Mrs. Kim had decided that the week was wheat-week, which Lane truly hated.

Luke on the other hand gave her a job and by that she earned money so she could afford to live with Brian and Zack. Now that they were married she would soon have to get another job so they would be able to buy their own place. She was starting a new life.

------------------------------

_**Neither of us wants to compromise  
Too many secrets, jealousy and lies.**_

**-----------------------------------**

Rory took a deep breath before knocking on the door, hard. Through her knocks she could feel the anger, and there was only one person in the world she could think of that was her wrath worth. It didn't take long before the door was opened.

"Rory…" he said, but she didn't answer. She just walked right past him and inside.

She never thought it was possible to be that angry and frustrated with someone, but now she understood all her fictional friends. Through her entire life she had been reading book after book. From Proust to Mark Twain. Shakespeare had been a big guide book in her life. When she was younger and she saw "Romeo and Juliet" she thought that was love. She had believed in every word Leonardo DiCaprio and Clare Danes said was the way to somebody's heart. But she had been entirely wrong.

Love was something from the button of your heart. It wasn't something you just felt after being with a person for two seconds. People always said "I loved you from the first time I saw you", but Rory didn't believe in that anymore. And for that she could blame the books and her father.

Her father, the man who had asked her mother to marry him when they were 16, and when she declined he had abandoned both of them. He had left Lorelai to herself with a little baby girl.

But Lorelai had been lucky… after many years of searching for the one, she had found him, Luke. They had been friends for so many years before everything had been set in motion. Rory remembered the night of their first kiss so clearly, especially what happened to herself…

It was the first real long right between her and her mother. Lorelai, who had been so happy about the whole Luke thing, her mood was destroyed by Rory's mistake… Or was it a mistake, sleeping with Dean? She couldn't give herself an answer to that, but she just had to start trusting her judgment.

That summer, Rory had run off to Europe with her grandmother, and hadn't talked to her mother until a few days before they got back from Rome.

-----------------------

_The ending credit of 'Showgirls' rolled over the screen. Rory watched her sleeping mother beside her and couldn't help, but notice the smile on her lips. Lorelai had her head on her daughter's shoulder, and Rory who was pretty tired herself was sitting too uncomfortable to sleep. So she had no choice, but awake her mother._

"_Mom…" she said gently and tapped her on the head. _

"_What?" Lorelai managed to get out._

"_You fell asleep."_

"_And you didn't wake me? But you know how much I love 'Showgirls'"_

"_After what Sookie told me you've both been working way too much, so I thought you might need some sleep."_

"_Ah, that's my considerate daughter. So how did it end?"_

"_You've seen it ten times!" _

"_But…" Lorelai started, but knew Rory wasn't going to explain the ending. It would have worked with some candy when she was five, but now she was just a little too old._

"_So… I'm gonna go to bed… No, wait… I can't sleep in that bed!" _

"_Shush, hun… Are you sure you don't wait to talk about… Dean"_

"_No… My love life is nothing to talk about right now. By the way, what happened to Jason that night?"_

"_Uh… after what Sookie told me her and Michel called his cell and told him that his condo was on fire"_

"_What? So you're not back with him or anything?"_

"_God, no! But L…" Lorelai stopped herself. She was unsure how much she should tell her daughter. She had been through a nightmare the last few weeks, and now that Lindsay had found the letter. Maybe she should just leave the kiss and the conversations with Luke from her for a while…_

_But too late…_

"_What 'L'. You shouldn't be talking about Luke, huh?" Rory said, grinning._

_Now a picture started to take shape in her mind. The way her mother behaved earlier that day. The "seven weeks!" It all made sense now. _

"_No, I wasn't talking about Luke"_

"_Yes, you were!" _

"_You're prying, I didn't teach you to pry! Is that what they are teaching you at Yale?"_

"_Oh come on! I was there today, you know…" They both fell silent._

_She wanted to tell her, she really did. That night she returned from the inn, she had meant to tell her, but then everything had turned out completely messed up. She had a fight with her daughter and completely forgot that she hadn't told her yet. But now wasn't the best time._

"_Mom."_

"_Rory."_

"_Mom, speak!"_

"_You really wanna know, I mean… after the whole Dean-thing?"_

"_No more Dean-talk! If you tell me some good gossip I won't have to think more about it, right?"_

"_Yeah, you're probably right."_

"_So tell me!"_

"_Okay… The night of the test run, Luke and I… we kissed, okay? End of story!"_

_-----------------------------_

"Rory?"

"I think you should go to France" she just said.

"France?"

"France…" she said again…

"So I guess you've heard"

"Yup, I heard…"

Christopher looked at his daughter, unable to understand anything. But Rory didn't feel like talking to him.

All her life she had hoped for him to pull it together and in the end be her father, but he had never managed to do it. He had just showed up whenever he wanted to and always acted like he owned everything. But that chapter was over now. His battle was lost. He was going out.

"It all, dad. I heard it all"

"You're mother's version of it all I presume."

"There's only one version of this story. You abused her when she was down"

"Rory, listen. She came to me"

"Because she needed a friend."

"Oh please, not that again."

"Not that again? How can you say so? She needed you as a friend, not as a one night stand!"

"God, Rory! I tried to be her friend for two years! For two years, she was running around with that moron, and I was just sitting back, waiting."

"Just sitting back? What will you then call the thing at the wow renewal?"

"I was drunk, Rory."

"Just because you're drunk you're not in the position where you can play king and do whatever you want. Mom loves Luke, you know that."

"But I love her, Rory. I love your mother and I always have."

"Well, you should have shown that when you had the chance."

"I tried!"

"Actually I'm glad you didn't! I'm glad you chose Sherry and Gigi over her and me"

"I didn't chose anyone over anyone."

"Really? But I'm glad you did. You let her let go for the last time and she and I both moved on. Now we are both happy"

"Happy? She's happy with Luke, and you're happy with a long-distance relationship?"

"Well, I…"

"See! When she came here yesterday I thought she and Luke were over, that was how she made it sound. So I thought she wanted me back. But I was wrong… but Rory, please. Talk to her, say I'm sorry and that I didn't mean to hurt her in any way."

"But you did, dad. And you hurt Luke too, and me. And no matter how sorry you are, you will only make things better if you just leave. Give us some time to heal. Go to France and bring Gigi. Go to Paris, show her the Mona Lisa, or whatever and let her spend some time with her mother. It will be good for both of you. All of us"

Rory took a deep breath and then turned around to leave. She knew she had done the right thing.

"Rory?"

"What?"

"What about Yale?"

"Grandma and grandpa will be paying."

"So... they know.

"The full story, no. Just bits"

"And Rory?"

"Yeah?"

"Your door is closed too?"

She didn't know what to answer or what to do... should she close the door to her life or keep it open? She had no idea, but she knew she had to make a decision.

"For the moment yes... but forever, no" she said and tried to smile, but behind the eyes she could feel the tears. She wasn't crying because her dad once and for all was out of her life, but because her life was upside down. Logan was in London and her mother was broken. But she couldn't possible allow herself to cry now, she still had one more thing to do, one more place to go.

----------------------

_**I drive my car sometimes, when I'm runnin' from the pain  
I drive so far, that I get lost in the rain**_

**-------------------------**

She looked at the pile of boxes in front of her. There were around 7 big boxes and a lot of small. All the big ones showed her longer relationships and then the smaller ones the dates she had been on.

She took the box on the top of the pile. When she opened it she realised it was Rory's Jess-box. It was stuffed with books and other papers. Maybe scripts or something? As far as she knew Jess had now published a book.

She closed it again and placed it on the floor. The next box was a small one. When she opened it, she almost had to laugh. Inside the box was one of those hats with a propeller on the top and a lollipop. And a picture of a burrito. It was the guy from the community college. The guy who had asked her on a date and then when he visited Stars Hollow he had been totally different. Now she was glad that they hadn't gotten any further than only one date.

The next box had some pictures of fish and she new immediately that it was the Alex-box. She dived down under the pictures and found her fishing hat. With a light smile she put it on her head, but then she remembered the day she had learned to fish. Luke had been her teacher. She felt a tear running down her cheek and then looked at the propeller-boy box again. Luke had been the one suggesting the propeller. Did he really have something to do with every box?

She opened the next one... The Jason box... It was pretty boring, just like the relationship. Maybe Jason had cared for her and their relationship had lasted for six months, but for her it had been nothing, but spend sometime and see if there was any potential. But then he had decided to sue her father and it ended right there. Then she saw a picture of a black car, Jason's car. And then she remembered the day Jason had been driving completely insane pass Luke. Luke again...

The next box was the Max box. The first thing she saw was the engagement ring. He had insisted on her keeping it when she told him it wasn't them who were supposed to be. She tried to imagine herself married to him, but she couldn't even see herself walk towards him down the aisle. There was also the manual for the ice cream maker they got as a wedding gift. There were some old daisies and then a few pictures, and a copy of the Roust book. She then found a copy of some newspaper and remembered how he used to read three. Once he had only found two of them in the hollow and met her and Rory at... Luke's diner.

Somehow every relationship she had ever had traced back to Luke. She felt the tears again, but wiped them away angrily. She had to be strong, for Paul Anka.

The next box was the feared box, the Christopher box... one of them. She opened it and realised pretty quickly that it was the teenage-box judging of the Metallica tapes. There was his high shcool jacket and hers. God she felt sick, just by staring at it. In digest she closed the box and almost ran to the kitchen. She sat down by the kitchen table and hid her face in her hands. And once again she cried. The tears rolled down her chicks, like a river.

---------------------------

_**And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me**_

**--------------------------------**

Luke had been in the apartment all day. He hadn't eaten anything, just had a beer or two. He had been listening to music, to the radio and funny enough he had run across a channel where the theme of the day was "broken hearts". All they had been playing was some girls singing with shrilling voices about the man of their dreams that had left them. Normally he would have turned away immediately, but today the songs suited his mood pretty good.

Some song called "Behind these hazel eyes" was blasting from the stereo. In the beginning Luke had listened to the lyrics, but now they just passed by like everything else. The phone had rung many times, but he never picked it up... he didn't even consider doing it. If they wanted to tell him something they could either leave a message or call some other day. Lane had knocked on the door a few times, but after four times with no answer she just stayed down stairs.

Nothing meant anything to him today. Screw the diner, screw the town, screw Taylor.

Him doing nothing was interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Luke?" a voice called. It didn't sound like Lane, or Ceaser. For a second he thought it might be Lorelai, but the voice wasn't hers either.

"Luke?" the voice called again, this time knocking harder, but he still ignored it.

"Okay, I'll just talk then. Lane told me you probably wouldn't answer the door, so here I go."

Lorelai could very well have said something like that. But it wasn't Lorelai, at least not the Lorelai who had left him in the street last night.

"Okay, I'm feeling pretty dumb, standing here talking to a door, especially when I can see you on the other side."

Rory... of course. Luke sighed. He knew he should open, but he just didn't feel like talking to anyone.

"Luke, come on!" she shouted. The famous Bambi-voice, he knew that voice very well, and he knew Rory very well too. In the end he was forced to open the door, so why not do it now? He let out a sigh and walked over to the door. Just as soon as he opened it, she walked right past him and sat on the couch. Now he was forced to listen.

"Listen Luke..."

She began, but didn't finish before she heard something fall to the floor. She looked up and saw Luke was standing in the kitchen messing around with something.

"Damn thing" he mumbled as he picked up whatever he had loss.

"Need a hand?"

"Not necessary, I do know how to make coffee"

"Coffee? But mom always told me that..." she stopped herself. It probably wasn't too smart to rant about Lorelai at the moment.

"I got it for her" Luke mumbled and continued doing something with the coffee machine. Rory could feel tears in her eyes. He had gotten a coffee machine for her mother. He really knew her. For the two years Luke and her mother had been together Lorelai had always complained about the fact that Luke didn't have a coffee machine in his apartment, so she had to go into the diner every morning to get her energy for the day.

He placed a mug in front of her and the coffee soon touched her lips. She inhaled the smell of coffee and smiled the first real smile of the day. She hadn't had time for her daily four cups, actually she hadn't had any coffee yet.

"So..." Luke started, staring at his tea.

"So... I wanted to say something... I think"

"Well, there's no door now."

"I guess not. Thanks for coffee"

"Anytime"

"Well... You know mom. Of course you do... I've done a debate once and that was Paris who told me what to say and... Okay..." she took a deep breath before she could continue. She tried to picture herself standing on the stage at her graduation from high school. She had been the Valedictorian for a reason, she was a good speaker in public and now she had to show.

"I know you are pretty confused right now and probably not in the most cheery mood, but neither is mom. And I know you're mad at her and you have every right to be. But she was really hurt, Luke. She has been leaping for your wishes the last few months. She stayed away from April when you told her too, and she let you control the game. But inside she was eating herself up. When she suggested that you postpone the wedding, she did it out of concern and love. She knew that you're not the kind of person who rushes into things and you can't stand too much pressure. From work, yes. But not when we're talking personal stuff. Not that the diner isn't your private property, but when it comes to your social skills."

"You've never been very fond of crowded places, like town meetings or other events. But you sometimes go, because you convince yourself. But mom was afraid that you wouldn't be able to convince yourself to get married on June 3rd with April around and so. I know it might sound crazy, but you know how she is. She can't stand pressure either. She seems like an incredibly strong person, but inside she can be weak also."

"She walked around for months, Luke. Waiting for you to ask when to set a date, a new date. But it never happened and she got more and more insecure that it was never going to happen. But at the Vineyard it seemed like you convinced her that it was. But more time passed by and still you didn't say anything. You kept her away from April, and she got more and more hurt. But she didn't say anything, so I assume you thought everything was okay. You might sometimes noticed her voice chance a bit when you talked about April, but she never let you know how she felt."

"She has never been good at explaining herself, and then when she does it all comes bursting out of her mouth like a waterfall. Trust me, I tried to teach her not to do that. But it didn't work."

Rory took a deep breath.

"But she did mean some of the things she said yesterday, she just explained herself wrong. When she asked you to elope, she wanted action. She wanted something to happen, because she can't stand not to do anything for very long. But she asked for it in the wrong way. But she did it because she loves you. And she has never loved a man before, Luke."

She paused again, unsure how much more she should say.

"I'm not asking you to forgive her right away, I know you'll find it hard especially when you guys talk. But she really, really loves you and what ever she has done to hurt you, she didn't intend to."

And with those words she got up and left Luke alone.

----------------------

_**Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain  
I gave now I 'm wanting  
Something in return  
So cry just a little for me**_

**------------------------**

**A/N: Okay, that was all for now, but good news.. next chapter should be ready any second..**

**And if you review I'll update sooner. Next chapter will contain a big surprise and it will be very, very long!**

**Asta**

**Now, hi the little pretty button.. **

**Lyrics:**

1.Separate ways, Craig David

2. If you believe in me, April Wine

3. My immortal, Evanescence

4. Cry, Faith Hill


	5. The unplanned move

**A/N: Hi again! Well, here we are once again, finding ourselves just about to read another fic… This is the fifth part of Milk and toast and honey… And I am happy to present the Roxette performing their famous song: "Milk and toast and honey" funny, huh:P Well, for the first time I'm actually going to use some bits and parts of the lyrics over the next few chapters… And this is the first part of June 3rd.**

**Friday June 2nd 2006 11.59**

Only one little minute. 60 seconds until the day would be there… the day… June 3rd….

Lorelai was lying on her bed with her head buried in her pillow. It was completely silent except for the sobs she let out every now and then. After what felt like a decade she slowly turned her head and faced the alarm clock. And within only one second the entire world came tumbling down. The clock showed the dreadful 12.00… Midnight, June 3rd.Once again she felt the tears behind her eyes and she dived back into the pillow. Deep down, like it was the deep blue she was examining.

She pulled the blanket over her head. It still smelled like Luke. Now the tears were streaming down her cheek, she was crying like a river. But for some reason she started to think about milk instead of a river. Why did people always say that you were crying like a river and not like milk?

"_Stop it, Lorelai!" _a voice inside her head. She couldn't joke about anything, she simply wasn't allowed too. She remembered the last time her and Luke broke up. After her breakdown she did everything she could to forget it by trying to be funny, though she new it didn't help much. But on the other hand, that was who she was. She had to joke about some stuff.

But the milk thing stayed in her head. It just wouldn't leave… Lorelai slowly sat up in her bed and looked at the clock. 12.02… She then all of a sudden decided that she couldn't spend the rest of her life in bed, she had to do something. Well, maybe she could stay in bed, but just drink coffee besides?

She got up and walked downstairs where she turned on the radio… A very familiar song was playing…

* * *

_**Milk and toast and honey  
**__**make it sunny on a rainy Saturday

* * *

**_

There it was again, the milk! She quickly hurried over to the fridge and surprisingly enough it actually contained some milk… She looked at it… nothing she would normally drink, but the song said it would make it sunny. And it sure was a rainy day… and it was Saturday too. So, she poured herself a glass of milk. While she quenched her thirst with milk, she thought of the rest of the first few words… Milk and toast and honey.

In Lorelai's spinning head milk could very well be read as tears. And toast would be… she thought back on her and Luke's relationship. What could toast represent? Well, toast was pale. It could be dry too, or soft if it was fresh. It could also taste incredibly, amazing, heavenly, and fantastic.

And then it hit her. Toast would be their kisses. Soft and incredibly, amazing, heavenly and fantastic. That was it…

Milk-tears, toast-kisses and honey…

Honey was sweet and you couldn't help but love it, unless you were Rory as a three year old when she was in her period where she refused to eat anything.

And honey was like them together. Sweet and loveable beside all the troubles… Milk and toast and honey, that was their relationship. Tears, kisses, and love… Again she felt the tears streaming down her face. Why?

What had gotten them there? Apart, sleeping in different beds? It was all so wrong, so wrong.

* * *

She was standing there in the kitchen in the middle of the night when Paul Anka came out of Rory's room with his leash in his mouth. Rory's room was now his favorite place to spend the night. So when Rory stayed over it usually caused a major fight between the dog and her daughter and Lorelai could do nothing but laugh at it.

While she swallowed her coffee she couldn't help but wonder if everything that had happened the past six months. Was it really fate? Was she never meant to be happy?

Fate? Did she believe in fate?

She didn't know. When she was a naïve teenager she had read the horoscope page every week. It had been very popular among her friends to believe the horoscopes, so Lorelai believed it too. When her horoscope told her she was going to fall in love, she would pretend she was in love. But then when she got pregnant and Christopher left her, she stopped believing in the rubbish. That week her horoscope told her she would meet the one, but instead she got dumped.

But then, 11 years later she had walked into the diner for the first time in the exact same week. And there he had been, the one for her. Why hadn't she realized it back then? She asked herself that many times a day, but never found an answer. She read the horoscope that day in the diner and it said "This week you better watch out, because you might be lucky to find the one, true love."

And he had been there, right in front of her for eight years. She remembered how she sometimes used to pretend the man she was on a date with was Luke and she always laughed at it. But then suddenly one day, almost two years ago she had been there, on a date with Luke. It had all been so weird, but not bad weird, just nice weird.

A clash and she was forced to look up. There on the floor was her milk and now Paul Anka was licking it up.

"Bad dog, bad dog… You're not a cat, or should I start call you Figaro?"

He looked at her with his puppy-dog eyes and then placed the leash in front of her.

"It's late, boy" but he just kept staring at her.

"Fine!"

* * *

The rain was pouring down…

"Really? I thought you hated rain" she asked her dog, and expected him to walk right back inside, but instead he walked right out in the rain. Already after two seconds she was soaking wet and she could only thank Paul Anka for that.

The streets of Stars Hollow were dark and empty. Maybe the citizens of Stars Hollow got up very early, but there was no doubt that they weren't nightingales. It was only a little past midnight and everybody was asleep. As the heartbroken lady and the dog named after a singer walked the streets the rain started falling even harder than before. After all the weather forecast had predicted rain all day and night…

There it was, Stars Hollow gazebo. She had so many memories from that place, but only one remained crystal clear in her memory. Only one year ago her and Luke had been standing there, drinking chick bear and celebrating their engagement.

* * *

_**Don't know where I am  
**__**Don't know where is home

* * *

**_

"_Really, you're gonna kiss me now? You're so incredible predictable."_

_Their lips met. He captured her with his lips and wrapped his arms around her. She could smell him. His smell was only his and it overcame her._

_She felt him, his presence. His strong arms around her like that, protecting her from everything evil. When she was in his arms nothing could hurt her. Not even her parents, or Rory. He was there for her now. He was there to be trusted, he was the one she was going to spend the rest of her life with. _

_She felt his soft lips upon hers… Toast…_

_She tasted his lips. She remembered their first kiss. She had not just been swept away by the fact that it was her best friend that was kissing her, but also by the taste of his lips. She, the girl who had kissed so many through her life had never kissed anyone, who's lips tasted like that. And that told her something good was lying ahead… Somewhere down the road.

* * *

_

God, she missed those lips. The sweet taste of Luke… She shook her head lightly and returned to reality. Today was not the day she got engaged. Today was June 3rd the day she was supposed to get married on.

While she had been skulking around in her own imagination Paul Anka had managed to get out of her grip, and off he was.

"Come on Paul Anka, let's go home" it was all too much of a heartache being here in the centre of town, so close to the diner, his domain. She was about to leave, when she realized she didn't have the leash in her hand any more. She looked over her shoulder and just saw his tail in the darkness. She considered for a while whether to follow him or not, but she knew that she had no other choice. Right there she felt like she didn't deserve him. She didn't deserve such a creature. She had nothing, and she deserved nothing.

Well, she would always have Rory.

Maybe she just wasn't meant to be happy, to have two people in her life that would make her happy. When she was a teenager, she had Christopher, but then she got pregnant and he left her. But then Rory was born and they had each other until she went to college. But she then had Luke. Luke was there when she was down, he was her replacement while Rory was away. But then she had lost Rory for real, but not Luke… She had been down, but in the end she got her daughter back. And from there Luke started to slip away, because now he had April.

Thinking of all this her entire picture of true happiness cracked. No, her picture of her own happiness cracked. From now on she would be walking around in a world painted with different shades of grey. Again she was on the verge of tears. She just wanted to run away and hide behind something big and safe… That would be Luke… A tear rolled down her face, but she wiped it away angrily. She wouldn't allow herself to cry, not now. She had a dog to catch.

She took a deep breath and followed her dog across the square calling his name. She rounded the gazebo and then saw him. He was sitting in front of the diner…

and the light was still on. But on the other hand she couldn't see Luke anywhere. If she just walked in the shadows she probably wouldn't be noticed unless Miss Patty was spying on her from her dance studio. Maybe Luke had simply forgotten to turn off the light… or maybe Kirk had forgotten it? It wouldn't be the first time though.

Slowly she tiptoed towards the diner. The rain was still falling from the sky and that didn't make the entire situation any more comfortable.

She was now only a few feet from one of the big windows. She was standing beside Paul Anka, who hadn't moved from his spot on the ground.

"Miss your chocolate, huh buddy? 'Cause I miss my coffee" She murmured.

"Come on" but the dog refused to move. All of a sudden he barked.

* * *

_**I'd go twice, around the world,  
Even though, I may not find it.

* * *

**_

Luke threw the cloth over his shoulder. Then he rubbed his hands against each other. Finally he was ready to go to bed, though he was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to fall asleep. Once again Kirk had stayed longer than the diner was actually open, and tonight he had even intended to close up an hour or two before, and he was going to keep it closed the upcoming day. Maybe he was a man that was usually seen strong metallically, but not that day, not on June 3rd.

Kirk had been there, on June 2nd already around five in the morning. He wanted his table.

* * *

_The bells above the door jingled._

"_Kirk?" _

"_I'm here to get my table"_

"_Your table? As far as I know I own these tables"_

"_Actually you just wiped of my table."_

"_Huh?"_

"_And now I need some coffee. You know, it's very early to get up."_

"_Kirk!"_

"_What?"_

"_The diner's not even open yet. Go home, get some sleep and I'll reserve the table for you"._

"_No, don't do that. It will ruin the excitement."

* * *

_

There had only been a very few times in his life that Luke had doubted Kirk's insanity and that morning had not been one of them. Maybe Kirk was even the most insane in town.

He had stayed for three hours and then left, but only to return around noon. And then he left around 4 pm. And then around 8 he returned, this time storming into the diner.

* * *

"_Luke, I got some big news!"_

"_Aha… Got a new job?"_

"_Well, actually that too. But that's not the news."_

"_Okay. Coffee?" Luke poured Kirk some extra strong coffee. Exactly that kind Lorelai would have loved._

"_Today is June 2nd"_

"_That's your big news?"_

"_Yes, today is June 2nd."_

"_Aha. And that is the four months and three days anniversary of Taylor's birthday?"_

"_No, I don't know. Is it?"_

"_I have no idea Kirk. Just finish your coffee. I'm closing up early."_

"_Today is June 2nd which means that tomorrow the day you and Lorelai were supposed to get married if you just hadn't…"_

_That was it for Luke. He had always done his best to tolerate Kirk's insanity, but now he had crossed the line. _

"_You really think I had no idea?! I do own a calendar!" _

_Actually he had counted every day since Lorelai's eloping outburst. Every day he had woken up, aware of the fact that this day was coming. _

_Luke looked around and noticed that every costumer in the diner was staring at him. Sometimes, not very often, (lie) he got into that mood where he just wanted everybody to leave him alone. But for once that wasn't the mood he was in, not at this point. Now he just wanted people to understand._

"_And for hell's sake! Take those ribbons off!" and with those words he ran upstairs. He sat on his couch with his head buried in his hands… Why did he let her walk away that night? he questioned himself._

_The phone rang, but he couldn't find the strength to pick it up. First he expected it to be some delivery guy, but he then remembered that they never called later than 4 pm. He then thought it might be April or Anna, but then it hit him that they were away this summer. Only a few days after the horrible Friday night Anna had called him to give the information that she was taking April to Florida for a few weeks where there should be some kind of Science Fair. _

_As the phone was still ringing he even got encouraged to think it might be Lorelai, but then the call reached to answer machine. _

"_Hey Luke… It me, Rory. I just… Mom' s really miserable and since June 3rd is coming up I don't expect her to feel any better. Could you please just talk to her, be there for her? And no matter what she says… just… Please, she needs you, Luke." and then the end…_

_Beep… beep… beep…_

_Luke stared at the phone. Rory had just called him, Lorelai's daughter… For some reason he was reminded of the time he and Lorelai broke up the first time. She had called him and left some rambling message on his answering machine and he ran to her right away._

_Luke got up and walked over to his sock drawer. On the button he found an old tape. He put it in the player and pushed "Play"_

"_Hey, Luke, it's me. I know I'm not supposed to be calling, but I am not doing really great right now, and - I was just wondering, if, do you remember in "The Way we Were", how Katie and Hubbell broke up because his friends were joking and laughing, and the president had just died, and she yelled at them and he was mad and he was going out to Hollywood, and, I mean, which she hated, and he broke up with her and she was really upset. And she called him and asked him if he would come over and sit with her because he was her best friend and she needed her best friend, and he did. And they talked all night, and they went out to Hollywood, which was a disaster, but it was good at first. With the boat, and uh, putting the books away. I've seen this movie a lot, so if you don't remember the putting the books away scene, don't feel stupid or anything. I was just sitting here thinking about it, because I, um, I'm in my house, and I was just, uh Could you - please come over. I – please. I really need to see you and talk to you, and please - come over. Please. Come –"_

_Her voice trailed over and then the message ended. Ever since she gave him that tape back he hid it and refused to let it go, like he had told himself never to do with her. But it had happened. Twice… And right then he realized he had to go…

* * *

_

Luke looked around the diner just to make a final check and see if everything was as it should be. When he caught eye of something outside, he almost fainted. There on the street was a very familiar dog sitting. A dog that once ate chocolate out of his trash can, so he had to hurry it to the vet in the middle of the night. And that special dog was named Paul Anka. He took a deep breath and then looked beside the dog, where he saw a pair of very familiar boots. They were yellow and ordered over the phone what seemed like many decades ago. Her yellow rubber boots. Hers, Lorelai's.

He didn't even get to glance at her face before she was gone again. For a few seconds he thought it might be a ghost or something, but he knew he was just fooling himself… Something inside him made him drop the cloth on the floor and follow her. He couldn't let go of her, not this time. He ran through the diner towards the door. For the first time he understood why Lorelai always complained about the way the tables were placed. It wasn't good incase of a fire. On the way to the door he almost had to jump over a table, but in the end he made it.

* * *

_**Running all the time  
Running to the future

* * *

**_

She ran down the streets trying to get away. Poor Paul Anka did his very best to keep up, but he wasn't much of a running dog. And then she heard footsteps behind her. Somebody called her name. And automatically she stopped. She remembered the last time she walked away. The reason she walked away that day was because of him, he hadn't tried to stop her.

She heard them approach, the footsteps. She heard Paul Anka bark happily and in the back of her mind she feared that the whole town would wake up. But nothing or nobody moved.

* * *

The other person behind her stopped. Slowly she turned around to face him. He looked at her face's structures. Her skin was paler than he had ever seen it before, and even here in the dark he could see that her eyes had lost their sparkle. She wasn't Lorelai anymore, not the Lorelai he knew and loved. Yes, he loved this person in front of him, but she was just so different. He could read on her face that something was troubling her mind, something besides the fact that they were standing in front of one another.

All the anger he had felt with her that night was long gone. These last few weeks he had come to realize how big an impact Lorelai had on his life. And how worthless he was without her.

He wanted to speak. To say something that just for once would make her realize how sorry he was for everything he had put her through the last few months. But he couldn't think of anything to say. He was simply speechless. He tried to think of something he had said once, something that she would remember and there was something in the back of his mind. At the vineyard. He just couldn't get the words out the way he said them back them.

"Lorelai…" he muttered.

* * *

She couldn't stand to hear it. To hear his apologetic speech, not when she was the one who should be apologizing for everything. After he would finish speaking he would probably expect her to understand, to forgive, to give them another chance. But for her he was already forgiven, but it was herself she needed to forgive. She wanted to try again, she wanted them to start over and then spend forever with each other. But her own conscience wouldn't allow her to do that.

His look was so intense. It was so… Luke… She wanted him now, more than ever and she knew he would give it to her, but she couldn't allow herself to accept such a great present. But she couldn't get herself to say "no" either. She loved him too much for that.

Why had things gone so wrong? Suddenly she just couldn't help it anymore, she couldn't resist anymore. If she could just forgive herself for a few moments.

She took a step closer to him so they were only a few inches apart. She did it quickly though, so he wouldn't have the slightest chance to pull back. But when her lips met his it was like everything slowed down. He didn't pull back as she somewhat expected him to do. He responded to the kiss eagerly, but still softly. There in the rain they shared a kiss so unfamiliar for both of them. It was so different from any other kiss they had ever shared.

It was so different from the first kiss on the front porch of the Dragonfly. Their first kiss had been somehow desperate. It had all been new and exciting, but at the same time a little scary. It had been a kiss they both had longed for. For years, for so long. After years of flirting and denial it had been there, a kiss. Instead of the looks and the smiles, their lips finally met in a sweet kiss.

The kiss in the rain was nothing like the one they shared at her front porch nearly two years ago. That had been an exploring kiss. The two of them together as a couple was still new and that kind of kisses gave her butterflies in her stomach. The kiss wanted to go further than just a kiss, it wanted them to get intense, to explore each other's bodies instead of only lips, but of course he had early deliveries the next day.

This kiss was not like the one they shared when he showed up in her door that night, the night of their reconciliation. It had been a longing kiss, a searching kiss. A kiss telling them that they needed each other to be two whole persons instead of the two half they had been while they were apart. Finally they had found what they were searching for, someone to trust and someone to love. The kiss had been desperate, just like they had been apart, but together they made sense.

This kiss wasn't anything like the one in the gazebo so close to where they were standing now. That kiss had been their way to celebrate, their way to commemorate their engagement. That kiss was full of happiness, because that was what they were back then. Happy… Both thought that from now on nothing could go wrong. They had the future in front of them, and they had absolutely no reason to hurry. This kiss insured them that there was no longer any need for the searching part of life. They had found each others safe arms and there they would find nothing but comfort, safety and love. With that kiss they knew that they belonged together. Each of them had been searching for so long and now they were at the point of their life where they couldn't be any happier.

This kiss was in no way anything to compare with the one back in January in her house. She was wearing her wedding dress. It had been an unknowingly and pretending kiss. And it was around there things started to go wrong. He pretended to be honest with her, but he was hiding something from her. April… And she had been happy. She knew nothing of April's existence and she just thought that she had finally found the one. She was finally ready for commitment. She was ready for marriage. She was ready for the whole package.

The last kiss she could remember was the one in Martha's Vineyard. Their relationship had been stable for a few weeks, but also kind of boring. But then in the Vineyard he said it for the first time. "I love you" had lit a flame again. He assured her that it was going to happen. And she believed him, she really did. Their kiss had been long and sweet, not passionate. But after that things had trailed off…

They were off track.

* * *

_**'Cause what really matters most  
Is you and me this close  
Feeling no distance  
Sharing some long, slow kisses

* * *

**_

She followed the rhythm of the kiss. She didn't even sense the rain that was falling upon her skin. She knew she looked horrible, but she felt like she had no time to worry about that. What ever would happen afterwards, she didn't know. But she didn't want to know either. Rather be the one knowing nothing. There were a few times in life where she wanted to stop the clock, and she was in one of those moment now. To spend the rest of her life in his arms like that, him knowing nothing of what she had done. She could live with that. But in the back of her mind she knew that the kiss couldn't last forever.

Sooner or later he would know. And then there would never be any kind of forgiveness for her. From him nor her. And there she realized that this would probably be the last time she ever kissed him. That thought made the tears appear again. Once again she was on the verge of tears, they slowly made their way through her eyes and down her chicks. Once again she was crying for them…

What was she doing? Her lips suddenly closed. She couldn't kiss him like that, let him think that things were fixed between them, because they weren't. She slowly pulled her head back and started walking backwards, away from him.

"I'm so sorry" she cried and then spun around and continued running. She heard him call her name, but she couldn't stop now, she just couldn't…

* * *

**Okay, sorry for ending it like that.. but I wrote this chapter weeks, actually months ago, but I totally forgot about it… So.. please review, I really need it.**

**Asta**

**Lyrics if anyone would like to know:**

1. Milk and toast and honey, Roxette

2. Am I crazy, Rebecca Lavelle

3. Always you, Sophie Zelmani

4. Running, No doubt

5. Long slow kisses, Bates Jeff


	6. Apart, we can't, but together we can

**A/N:**

**So here's the sixth chapter and unfortunately the last, but every good (well, you're the one to decide that term) story has to come to an end eventually. So please read and review and let me know what you though of it, please**

**Chapter 6: Apart, we can't, but together we can**

The rain was embracing her and Paul Anka as they ran towards home, their home. Soon she was facing the front door, but then realized she didn't want to step inside. In there she would find all the boxes that had been on the floor for quite some time now. Everyday she put something that reminded her of Luke in them, but now she felt like she had to get rid of it all right away. Slowly she proceeded to walk around the house and find the turtle with the extra key in it. And with the door behind her Lorelai started packing up all her stuff. Soon many boxes were on top of each other, all stacked in the kitchen. One thing she still hadn't put away was the blue mug from the diner. She had packed it away awhile ago, but then decided she needed some coffee, and she needed that cup.

So there it was on the kitchen counter, mocking her. Paul Anka had fallen asleep on Rory's bed and it seemed like he was going to stay there for a while. Besides, Lorelai knew she wouldn't be able to sleep even though it was a few hours passed midnight. It was the night of June 3rd; the day she was _supposed _to get married. She looked at the mug one more time before she went upstairs. With a deep breath she walked over to the closet and slowly opened it. There, on a hanger was her dress, earlier known as _'the perfect dress'_. Now that all seemed so far away…

* * *

"_I don't understand. How did this happen? This morning you didn't know whether you're going to wear a white dress or not"_

"_I know! But then Sookie and I went to check out these invitations, you know, and right next door there was this little bridal shop, and we thought, oh, we'll just go in, look around, you know, no big deal, just girl fun, right? And I went in, and I turned around, and there it was. The perfect dress!" _

"_The…" _

"_The bodice is this blush coloured silk tulle, and it has all these little crystal beads on it, and the skirt is a blush silk tulle, with a blush silk satin lining, and the back goes into a train, and, oh! It has a cream satin sash, so you get a little white in there, which I know is very important to you, and I tried it on and it fit me perfectly and it was on sale and so I bought it! And from the minute I bought the dress, everything else fell into place!" _

"_What does that mean?"_

"_Well, the dress is strapless, so, hello, summer wedding, and summer means daisies, so flower choice done, and we went into the stationery store and there was the perfect daisy invitations, which I know sounds a little girly, but seriously, there are no macho wedding invitations, so please just give me this one, okay?" _

"_Okay"

* * *

_

The memory stuck in her mindHis smile… Her happiness, the snow. It all seemed too good to be true, and apparently it was too…They had been happy for so long. But then Rory's drop-out of school, April turning up. And then Christopher…

_Oh God!_

Her mind exploded. She still hadn't told him, and it had been so long. Where were the signs that told her things would go wrong? Why had she missed them? She could have done something to stop things from progressing the way they did. Together they could have worked against fate, but instead they worked alone, against each other. And now all that was left of them as one was two individuals. She felt an urge to cry but the tears were just behind her eye lids, refusing to come out. With a sigh she sat down on a chair by the table. Things where just so… off track. After a while she got up and walked over to the coffee maker where she brewed herself a cup.

* * *

_**Hard to know the stakes  
So hard to read the signs

* * *

**_

"_It's so weird how this happened. You know? It's like the dress was a sign or something." _

"_There are no signs." _

"_Oh my God!" _

"_What?" _

"_Oh my God, it started snowing! It started snowing right as I started talking about signs! That, my friend, is a sign!" _

"_That is not a sign. That is weather." _

"_No. This is more than weather. This is fate." _

"_June third, huh?" _

"_June third." _

"_That's soon."_

"_I know."_

"_That's less than five months away." _

"_I know."

* * *

_

Snow, fate, signs! All some weird crap she once in a while said. But she promised herself that it simply had to stop. She took a sip of her coffee. It did taste all right, but nothing compared to the coffee Luke made. Standing there in the kitchen she was reminded of a dream she had so long ago. It must have been almost four years or something like that. A small smile appeared on her lips, only for a second but it had been there after all.

Maybe she should do something else than just stand there. Go to work? But then she realized that it was in the middle of the night, it was June 3rd and she had the day off anyway. Almost everything was packed away, what was left to do? She could call Rory, but she was asleep, so there was no point in that either. She just needed to talk to someone, get rid of her emotions. But she would have to call someone in China unless she wanted to wake them up. For a moment in occurred to her to call her mother, but it might not be the best idea, and Emily wasn't the best listener after all.

So she walked back in to the living room and sat heavily on the couch with a sigh. There was absolutely no point in her entire life being at the moment, and had there ever been? She started to wonder.

Sitting there not much happened, nothing to be honest except the fact that time passed by.

Footsteps… Paul Anka jumped up on the couch beside her. She moved for the first time in ages and looked at the dog beside her. Even though Luke had never really liked dogs, she had a pretty good feeling that he liked Paul Anka in his own Luke-way. She smiled a little when she thought back to the time he had rushed Paul Anka to the vet and sat up all night just to make sure he was alright. That was a good side of him. She blinked to hold back the tears that were holding at constant pressure. But she couldn't cry, not now. She had cried enough for the next three years or so. She just wanted to go back in time and be happy, be Lorelai. But she was afraid that the real Lorelai had left months ago.

She told herself to move, do something, so she got up and went to the kitchen where she turned on the radio. An old song, one of her favourites was playing.

* * *

_**Milk and toast, some coffee take the stuffiness out of days you hate, you really hate  
Slow morning news pass me by  
I try not to analyze but didn't he blow my mind this time  
Didn't he blow my mind?

* * *

**_

She poured herself some coffee while listening to the song very carefully. She remembered she never really understood what it was about, but now she could match it with her own life. She saw herself as the singer, singing about how a few things could brighten up a day, no matter how grey it was, but still she knew that not even coffee would be enough to undo what she'd done. Right now talking to her daughter wouldn't be too bad, but it was still only around six, and the rain was still pouring down outside. It seemed like it was never going to stop. She sighed heavily and poured herself some more coffee. Sometimes it was like coffee was better at drowning heartache than alcohol. Even though it hadn't been the case in Boston… She got goose bumps just thinking about it. How could she have been so stupid? She was reminded of Lane's wedding. What had happened in her head? And what was with the tequila? Maybe she should consider going to rehab? On the other hand it wouldn't be necessary. But maybe she should go to a psychologist instead?

No, that wasn't the Lorelai she knew either. All her life she kept fighting for what she wanted. If something went wrong and she ended up on the rock bottom, she would climb up again and rise yet again, just like the sun did. She fought her parents when they wanted her to do other stuff than what she wanted. She stood up for herself and Rory, she had always been the strong independent woman, and just because her life was more messed up than ever, she was going to fight back. She was not going to let depression and hurt take her down. She was Lorelai Gilmore; she would come to stand once again. Maybe not right away, but at some point.

* * *

Not many hours before he had seen her run away again, down the same street she left him standing on only a few weeks before. Back then he had been angry, hurt and confused. Now he just felt lost. He had no idea what foot to stand on or what path to follow. He could still feel her lips upon his; it was like a tattoo, that would never disappear. She had looked so wrong when he appeared at the front of his diner just a few hours ago.

Luke was sitting on the bench in the gazebo. After she ran away, he had been standing in the pouring rain for a good ten minutes, but then realized he would get sick if he didn't find shelter soon. So he walked up to the gazebo and seated himself there. He remembered sitting there with her once. She had come storming into the diner begging him to come out and participate in some stupid town event, and of course she persuaded him with her sweet smile. So he bought her basket that contained something that wasn't even eatable. Usually he was willing to eat a lot of stuff just to be polite, but when it came to Lorelai cooking, or trying to cook might be more correct, he rejected. No way. And there they had been sitting, having a good pleasant talk between friends.

But that was the past, now he was just sitting there, seeing the rain fall down and a sad Kirk walking across the town square towards the diner to get his favourite table. Normally Luke would have followed him, but now he was just sitting there, watching Kirk enter the diner, seat himself and wait to be served. If he had just known that it was going to be hours before Luke would be back.

The reasonable part of Luke knew he should go back to his apartment and put some dry clothes on, or he would get sick, but he didn't feel like it at all. All he could think of was her. He still loved her, and wished more than ever than he had included her in his life when he found out about April. He should have discussed things with Anna, worked things out, made it clear that he was April's father, and who ever that was in his life was going to be in April's too. But of course he had been a jerk. Maybe he should have one of those fancy hats he wore all the time made, just with a "JERK!" on the back. He could also replace the flannel-shirts with sweatshirts like the one he got for the girls soccer team he supported. There should just be the word "JERK" on these too, instead of "Luke's diner". Maybe he should rename the diner to "Jerk's diner"?.

Sitting there he suddenly realized that he couldn't let her go, not again. It was time for an explanation. From both of them. He got up and started to walk towards her house. Soon he was standing on her porch, not really sure what to do? Maybe she was asleep? For all the years he had known her, he could only think of two times he had seen her up early. The first was the time Rory and Dean had broken up for the first time, and the second when the Dragonfly inn was close to its opening. He couldn't even think about the test run right now, it was too hurtful. But he couldn't just stand there forever, he had to get moving. As she said: It was now or never…

* * *

_**Standin' on your mama's porch  
You told me that you'd wait forever  
Oh and when you held my hand  
I knew that it was now or never

* * *

**_

The knock on the door sounded rather familiar. It reminded her of a night a little more than a year ago. Back then she had been entertaining herself with the movie "A star is born", the version with Judy Garland singing about all the men that got away. And this was remarkably the same knock. But she couldn't let the same happen, not with the traces of Christopher and the unspoken secret. She took a deep breath, placed the coffee cup on the kitchen table and slowly walked out to the entrance. While holding her breath, she slowly put her hand on the door handle and unlocked the door. As the door opened she got the view of him. He was standing there on the porch soaking wet. The way strong Luke, looked so wrong, so… tired and just not like Luke. A part of her wanted to throw her arms around him, but she knew she couldn't let her emotions get away with it this time.

She was still holding her breath. She had never been so unsure about anything before in her entire life. Should she close the door to his face, or let him in? He just looked at her with an expression on his face she had never seen before. It was somewhat rather scary. In the end she let out a sigh and opened the door for him, so he could step inside. She wanted to ask him what he was doing here, but something stopped her. She had a feeling that he should have the chance to speak first.

"Lorelai" he began, but then trailed off. He had no idea what to say or what to do. For a second he wondered why he had even bothered to show up, but then he remembered Rory's words: "_I'm not asking you to forgive her right away, I know you'll find it hard especially when you guys talk. But she really, really loves you and what ever she has done to hurt you, she didn't intend to"_

"Lorelai, I'm sorry for not including you in my life. I let you down, I realize that now. I know I should have talked to you, and let you meet her, hang out with her like at her birthday. I was being a jerk, but I didn't see it then. I acted like I've always do. When something new and surprising comes up, I completely forget everything and everyone around me, not my intentions, but that's who I am. I told you this at the Vineyard. But the last few weeks I've realized something. My life wasn't anything before you came along, and if I lose you now, it will be worthless again. I can go back to the diner, pack some clothes and then we can leave. No, I don't even need that, I can just buy something…" she couldn't stand to her him talk like that anymore, it was too hurtful, too painful to bear.

"Luke, before you go on about how sorry you are, I have to tell you something. I love you, I really do. And believe it or not, I do have a heart and a brain. There's just one little thing. Sometimes the two things don't really know how to communicate, I think I never really taught them how to work together…" she paused, now the time had come. The moment of truth. But before she got a chance to continue, Luke had gone into the living room. He was standing there looking at the almost empty room.

"What happened here?" How was she going to tell him? All she could do was make an effort.

"I'm remodelling"

"That's so?"

"Well… technically yes. But to be honest it's my old boyfriend boxes. That's the Max one, the Alex box, the Paul box, the Jason box, the… Christopher boxes. The teenage one and the one from the time he left me for Sherry, tiny I know. And the rest" she stopped. It would tare her apart if she said the words that were about to leave her lips, but she knew she had to.

"And those are the Luke boxes" she ended and pointed at almost all of the boxes. Right at that moment she wished she was an ostrich, so she could hide her face in a hole. But she was all human, not able to do so.

"Aha" he just muttered. He didn't move or speak other than that. Now was her time.

"As I said before, heart and brain don't know how to connect. And I had some sort of blackout the day I asked you to elope. After you said you couldn't jump like that, I did something horrible. I took your answer as never, and I got in my car and drove to Boston. Now any sane person would let the other one digest and put two and two together, but since I'm not sane, I'm gonna say it right away." She took a deep breath. It was time…

"I slept with Chris" she muttered. The volume level of her voice, was just above a whisper, but it was still loud enough for him to hear. She expected him to leave, she expected him to hit her or throw something around the room. But nothing happened. She had turned her gaze to the floor, but when there was no movement she dared to look up. He was just standing there looking at her with the same face as the time she opened the door.

"It shouldn't be allowed for anyone to hurt someone that deep, it shouldn't. But it happened and…" she lost track of words and time. Why didn't he slam her, why didn't he hurt her? She deserved it more than anything.

Luke's head was on the go. She had gone to Boston, she had gone to Christopher. She had hurt him back, just like he deserved. They were even now. They were actually even.

After moments of silence, he turned around. She thought he was leaving, but he went into the kitchen and came back a moment later with the cup.

"I couldn't put it away, I just couldn't" she whispered. The tears were beaming in her eyes, and most of all she wanted to throw herself in his arms. He sighed then walked over to her. She was standing there with the tears rolling down her face. She was sure he was going to hit her now, but instead he took her left hand. There on the finger, was the engagement ring he had given her around a year ago sitting.

"I'll take it off now" she hurried to say, but he stopped her.

"Lorelai, wait. Yes, you hurt me deeply, and right now I don't really know what foot to stand on, but I hurt you deeper than I ever realized. I let you down, pushed you aside, out of the life I was living. You let me run things, you let me control things. And I handled everything wrong. You're right it shouldn't be allowed for anyone to hurt the ones you really care about so much. But it happened. And I would say we're close to even."

"No Luke. What I did was different, it was heartless and I…" she was broken off by his lips colliding with hers. This time it was his emotions that got away with him, but he couldn't think of anything else to do.

"Things aren't fixed now, but we can work on it together, it will take time. But I'm willing to change everything, I really am."

"I want to, too. But how can you forgive me?"

"How can you forgive me?"

"I…"

"It will take time, but together we can work through it… Together"

* * *

_**If we hold on together  
I know our dreams will never die  
Dreams see us through to forever  
Where clouds roll by  
For you and I

* * *

**_

_**THE END**_

**And that's how it feels when a story comes to an end.. Wow, I actually like the feeling, I feel somewhat relieved. I really do. I know this ending was a little… Weird and Luke might have been a little out of character, but I just needed to end this, to fix things between them, make it right. I wouldn't be able to continue writing on this thing anyway since the show it on its full go, I just had to finish.**

**I want to thank all my readers and reviewers, you've been wonderful and patient! I promise it won't take to long before I'm back with a new story, thank you!! And a big "thanks" to Sarah, who helped me by betaing this story, you're nomited for an award!**

**And now let's have a beautiful salute, everybody. Take five minutes of your life and please review!**

**Asta**

**1. We got it wrong, Rebecca Lavelle  
2. Milk and toast and honey, Roxette**  
**3. Summer of '69, Bryan Addams  
4. If we hold on together, Diana Ross**


End file.
